Recovery Takes Time

Recovery is Hard // Dare 2 Hope Blog

When I’m reading a really good book, I can’t wait to get to the ending. Sometimes I have to stop myself from peeking.  I enjoy the whole book, but the end of the story is the satisfying part because whatever struggle and suffering the characters endured, things are finally resolved and they are going to be happy ever-after. (Insert wistful sigh here…)

Recovering from an eating disorder is like that. Recovery—the end of the story—is the awesome part. Recovery-in-process is a bit less glamorous, and we might want to hit the Fast Forward button.

Or maybe the Stop button…and give up entirely.

The thing about healing and recovering is that it’s not a linear path. It’s more like a spiral at times, marked by setbacks, doubt, confusion and of course, pain. And it’s usually slower progress than we want it to be. We want the mountain-top experience, but we only get there by climbing the mountain and that’s not a quick trip. Accustomed to an instant-everything society, we want fast fixes. This is especially true for perfectionists like me who think that we should do everything perfectly—including healing. “I should not still be struggling with this!” is our mantra. Sure, other people might take awhile to work through their issues, but we shouldn’t.

The truth is, deep change takes time. Just like it takes time for a serious physical wound to heal properly. You can get it stitched and do everything right to speed up the healing, and you can cuss and kick yourself for not being able to make your skin close back up faster, but none of that will make it happen overnight. Careful wound care is required, but time is also a necessary ingredient.

Our soul care is no different. You did not develop an eating disorder over a few weeks, so why would you be able to recover from one so quickly? Stop beating yourself up for how long it’s taking you to heal.

And whatever you do, DON’T GIVE UP.

Remember that you may not be where you want to be, but you’re not where you were. Progress, not perfection, dear one.

Take some time to acknowledge how important some of the steps you’ve taken recently to recover, heal, or grow are, and how much courage and strength they took. Celebrate that by journaling or talking with someone supportive.

much love,
Cherie_signature

 

 

DPP_0015bCherie Miller, MS, LPC opened Dare 2 Hope Counseling to help clients all over the country get free from their food, weight, and self-confidence struggles. Her specialty is eating disorders, including anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating, orthorexia and other unhealthy eating patterns. Contact her here.

 

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Are You a Highly Sensitive Person?

Highly Sensitive Person // Dare 2 Hope Blog

The word “sensitive” has a lot of connotations to it—many of which are not flattering. So often it has the unspoken “too” attached to it…meaning, that you take things personally or are overly emotional. Perhaps these are true at times, but there is much more to it than that. And it’s not all bad. First, to see if you are considered a highly sensitive person (HSP), ask yourself these questions or take the online test here:

  • Are you easily overwhelmed by such things as bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or loud noises?
  • Do you get rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time?
  • Do you have a rich and complex inner life?
  • Are you aware and deeply affected by other people’s moods and emotions?
  • Do you make a point of avoiding violent movies and TV shows?
  • Do you need to withdraw during busy days, into bed or a darkened room or some other place where you can have privacy and relief from the situation?
  • Do you make it a high priority to arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations?
  • Do you notice or enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, or works of art?

If you answered “yes” to many of these questions, congratulations…you are an HSP! That may not sound like something to celebrate if you’ve felt like your sensitivity has been more of a curse than a blessing, but that feeling is usually based on not completely understanding or appreciating the positive aspects of being an HSP. For instance, according to Dr. Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person, HSPs are often intellectually gifted, conscientious, and detail-oriented, making them exceptionally creative and productive workers. In relationships, they are considerate, compassionate, and able to connect deeply with others, making them attentive and thoughtful partners and friends. An estimated 15-20% of the overall population, HSPs are the visionaries, the artists, and the caregivers of society. Unfortunately, society doesn’t always value the HSP personality, only our contributions!

Try to start valuing the positive aspects of being an HSP and work on accepting the challenges that come along with it. Yes, we are more prone to depression and perfectionism and we have trouble taking criticism. We get over-stimulated more easily than others. Don’t beat yourself up for these things…just realize they are part of the package deal and do what you need to take care of yourself. Every personality has its strength and weaknesses, and it’s good that we’re not all the same!

How has being a highly sensitive person been a good thing for you and those around you?

much love,
Cherie_signature

 

DPP_0015bCherie Miller, MS, LPC opened Dare 2 Hope Counseling to help clients all over the country get free from their food, weight, and self-confidence struggles. Her specialty is eating disorders, including anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating, orthorexia and other unhealthy eating patterns. Contact her here.

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9 Questions to See if Your Perfectionism is Hurting You

Dare 2 Hope - Perfectionism

For most of us who have it, perfectionism is probably both a blessing and a curse. The obvious upside is that perfectionism is associated with exceptional performance and achievement. Perfectionists tend to be driven to do whatever it takes to meet the high standards they set. But there are drawbacks to perfectionism too. In a recent article, psychologist David Burns says we are especially given to troubled relationships and mood disorders. It can also be detrimental to our physical health. Consider these ways it may be taking a toll on your life and well-being.

#1. You’re stressed out. A lot.
We perfectionists are usually black-and-white thinkers, placing situations at the extreme end of the continuum. Anything less than an A+ is equivalent to an F. Overcooking the chicken ruins the whole dinner. This all-or-nothing mentality produces intense pressure and anxiety to perform flawlessly at everything all the time. Of course, that is unattainable and we will make mistakes at times. But whereas this knowledge leads to self-compassion in others, it acts like a ticking tomb bomb for us…we’re just waiting for that inevitable (and in our minds, horrible) moment we finally fall short.

#2. Things are personal.
Perfectionists don’t separate themselves from things they do, so we view those things as a reflection of who we are. Take the above scenarios. Anything less than an A+ is the same as an F…and that means I’m stupid and I’ll never get a good job. Dry chicken ruins dinner…and that means I’m a terrible cook and mother because I can’t properly feed my family.

#3. You avoid challenges.
Because perfectionists usually have a fear of failure, we often procrastinate on things we don’t feel confident we’ll succeed at…if we even try them at all. This certainly means missed opportunities of all kinds—even valuable opportunities to learn and grow from failure (did just thinking about that make you break a tiny sweat like it did me?). Or maybe we avoid challenges because we’re afraid we will succeed…and then we’ll have to keep it up, and that can feel like too much pressure.

“Perfection is an illusion and those who chase it will find themselves unfulfilled their whole lives.”

#4. You’re emotionally fragile.
Whether it’s a getting second place or missing a typo in the office memo, every mistake is such a catastrophic event that we can obsess over it for days. Because perfectionists blow minor things into ginormous proportions, we don’t have the same level of resiliency that others have. If we’re honest, we’d probably have to admit that even small setbacks can produce emotional meltdowns, existential crises, and even temper tantrums.

#5. You have a hard time taking criticism.
No one likes to hear about their mistakes or flaws, but constructive criticism is essential for personal growth and healthy relationships. How can a marriage (or any relationship for that matter) be the best it can be if one or both people won’t hear anything from the other about a needed change? Winston Churchill said, “Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.” We don’t want to look at the “unhealthiness” within us, but just like a disease, it’s there whether we acknowledge it or not.

#6. You’re a people-pleaser.
We find people not liking or approving of us borderline unbearable, so we have trouble setting appropriate boundaries. We end up saying yes to requests and accepting treatment that we secretly resent. We might make decisions based on what others think instead of being true to ourselves.

#7. You avoid opening up to people.
Being vulnerable means being okay with others seeing your messiness. If we equate having flaws with being unlovable, we will always be in hiding. The problem is that no matter how much we put our flawless front, people will see through the cracks at times. Our lack of authenticity just ends up getting added the shortcomings list. These kinds of walls lead to isolation and loneliness, which is a steep price to pay for a strategy that doesn’t even work.

#8. You’re always struggling to feel good enough.
Perfectionists have a long list of ways we don’t measure up to what we “should” be and all the ways we want to be better. Growth is not a bad thing, but constant, self-defeating striving driven by shame robs us of so much joy. Controlled by perfectionism, we never feel at peace being who we are right where we’re at. It’s like running on a treadmill and seeing that for every mile run, another one is added to the odometer. Talk about exhausting!

#9. You’re highly critical of others.
Yes, we perfectionists are certainly hard on ourselves. But it’s important to realize that we’re probably hard on others too, and that can deeply hurt people we love and our relationships with them. Are you hard to please? Overly demanding? Do you expect flawlessness from people all the time and react negatively when they fall short? We might be intentionally inflicting stress and feelings of inadequacy on our family, friends, and colleagues. If you’re not sure whether you are…ask them. If they seem hesitant to tell you, you should probably assume the answer is yes.

#10. ________
You tell me…What are some other costs of perfectionism you’ve experienced? How do you take advantage of the positive while minimizing the negative aspects of being a perfectionist?

Be well,

Cherie_signature

 

 

DPP_0015bCherie Miller, MS, LPC opened Dare 2 Hope Counseling to help clients all over the country get free from their food, weight, and self-confidence struggles. Her specialty is eating disorders, including anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating, orthorexia and other unhealthy eating patterns. Contact her here.

5 Steps to Help You Let Go

Dare 2 Hope - How to Let Go

In my last post, we talked about why letting go is a better alternative to holding onto things, even when some things “should” be different. As I’m sure we’re all now thoroughly convinced about the benefits of letting go, I’ll move on to talking about the process.

1.) Decide to make a new habit of letting things go. Don’t be fooled by how obvious or simple this step sounds. It’s the most important step because if you don’t truly decide you want to change, you won’t. Really stop to think about what kind of person you want to be. Do you want to be someone who is easily upset about all the day-to-day life stuff that is annoying but unavoidable? There are endless opportunities to get upset (e.g. rude people, the overbearing boss, waiting in lines, kids making messes… just to name a few!) and learning to let go requires more than just wanting it. Would anyone really say they want to be irritable all the time? Unfortunately, wanting to be different is not enough because it goes deeper—we have to give up our “right” to be offended by slights and inconveniences. Maybe it makes us feel more powerful to be angry. If we’re honest, sometimes we just don’t want to give that up and we’d rather hang on to our hot coal for a bit.

2.) Take some deep breaths and remind  yourself being angry will not change things and can actually hurt you. Does being angry about the traffic jam on your way home change how long the commute will be? No. And yet many of us will stew the whole drive anyway. The physical toll of being angry too often is undeniable, and includes serious issues such as high blood pressure, heart disease, cancer, migraines, skin disorders, digestive problems, chronic pain, fatigue, and more¹. It also makes you more vulnerable to mental health issues such as depression and problems with food, alcohol, and drugs. And if all that isn’t enough, it also can be damaging to important relationships at home and work. So take several deep slow breaths while thinking about why it is better to let go of the frustration and how good you will feel when you do.

3.) Try to reframe the situation and find the positive. Sometimes finding the potential good in a situation is hard, but usually, it can be done and it does get easier with practice. Take our previous traffic jam example. You would probably be in hurry to get home so you can relax or see your family, and therefore, the delay is understandably frustrating. But since it can’t be changed, instead of being miserable and flooding your body with unnecessary chemicals (and then eventually getting home in a bad mood!), what about making the best of a longer drive? Put on some of your favorite songs that you haven’t listened to in a while, or keep a book on tape especially for those times, or call a friend you need to catch up with, or use the time to pray and meditate on the day. We have the choice to turn something that could have been waste of time into time well-used.

4.) Do some visualization. Okay, so you’ve tried talking yourself down and are still struggling to let something go. Forgive me for a moment while I go all therapist-y on you and recommend trying a visualization technique called thought diffusion. While doing this, take long deep breaths in your nose and out your mouth. Picture an autumn tree by a stream. Hear the sound of trickling water in your mind. Imagine that the red and gold leaves on the tree hold your anger. Now picture a soft wind coming through and rustling the tree just enough to shake off a bunch of the leaves, which float down to the water in the stream. Watch the moving water take the leaves (and your anger) downstream, out of sight. Exhale one last long breath, feeling the anger draining out of your body.

Dare 2 Hope - Thought Diffusion

5.) If all else fails, remind yourself it’s temporary. The vast majority of the daily hiccups and hair-pullings don’t actually last that long. If nothing else has worked, just focus on getting through it and moving on. Remind yourself you won’t probably care about or even remember whatever it is in a year (or even a week).

Learning to let go of things is not easy, but it can make a huge difference in your life and in your relationships if you’re willing to put in the effort of changing. Happiness and anger cannot live in the same heart, one will eventually overtake the other—that is, whichever one you nurture.

Be well,

Cherie_signature

 

 

References
¹Bundrant, M. (2013). Shocking: The Damage Chronic Anger Does to your Body. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 23, 2016, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/nlp/2013/01/chronic-anger-damage/

DPP_0015bCherie Miller, MS, LPC opened Dare 2 Hope Counseling to help clients all over the country get free from their food, weight, and self-confidence struggles. Her specialty is eating disorders, including anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating, orthorexia and other unhealthy eating patterns. Contact her here.

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Letting Go Is So Cliché

Dare 2 Hope - Letting Go

We’ve all heard the phrase “let it go’ so often, it’s easy to gloss over. I almost yawned typing it.

And yet, living it out is so much more than a feel-good catchphrase. It’s profound and painful… and utterly life-changing.

There are two parts to this Letting Go Lesson, and today I’ll focus on the first. It’s about how so much of our unhappiness is because we are entirely mixed up about what we can and can’t control. We are desperate to control things (and people) that we can’t, and often don’t want to take control of what we should.

I want to control everything. Everything. From the other drivers on the road, to how fast the line at Walmart moves, to how my husband behaves. Does that sound familiar to anyone else? I cling to the idea that all these things and people should be a certain way. And perhaps sometimes I’m right. I mean, yeah, I think we can all agree that many people should be more considerate.

Reality check: They aren’t.

I always kept coming back to the fact that I don’t want to accept reality because it should be different, and it feels like accepting = okaying it. It doesn’t. It means that I finally realize keeping a death grip on my shoulds comes at a cost. Wanting to control things we can’t will inevitably lead to feeling angry, depressed, indignant, impatient, helpless.

Being mad doesn’t actually change any of the things we’re mad about, it just spoils our happy.

This pattern is not just pointless, it’s harmful. An old saying compares holding onto anger like holding a hot coal and expecting the other person to get burned. Can you see that whether our anger at that person (or situation) is justified is irrelevant? Because everything will go on as normal while you stand there getting burned. Now, I’m not advocating against anger in general, because sometimes, that’s an appropriate response, such as when our boundaries are crossed. What I am saying is that when anger takes up too much space in our hearts, it will inevitably crowd out the happiness.

While we can’t control everything and everyone else, we can control ourselves. It’s just that’s the very thing we often don’t want to control. We’d rather say we’re the victim of crappy events and can’t help being unhappy about it. But even when we have no say in someone else’s behavior or how something turns out, we do have a say in a how we react.  We can choose to be perpetually angry or we can choose to let go and respond in a way that adds to our wellbeing.  We can decide to drop the coal…not because we’re necessarily wrong in thinking that things should be a certain way, but simply because we don’t want any more third-degree burns. In the psychology profession, we call this practice Radical Acceptance (a term from dialectical behavior therapy [DBT]).

So let’s learn to let go. I know, easier said than done, right? Stay tuned…next post I’ll talk about how we can do actually do it.

Be well,

Cherie_signature

 

DPP_0015bCherie Miller, MS, LPC opened Dare 2 Hope Counseling to help clients all over the country get free from their food, weight, and self-confidence struggles. Her specialty is eating disorders, including anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating, orthorexia and other unhealthy eating patterns. Contact her here.

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3 Steps to Overcoming Fear of Failure

 

Dare 2 Hope - Outside Your Comfort Zone

The fear of failure is a powerful force, and it keeps us from making changes, trying new things, and taking valuable risks. Basically, it limits our potential. Here are some ways to overcome fear paralysis.

(1) Put Things in Perspective. Think about the last thing you considered doing but didn’t because of fear. Now imagine what would actually happen if you tried…and fell flat on your face. What’s the worst that would happen? How long would it take to recover? Probably, if you’re honest with yourself, it’s not as bad as you imagined. Fear exaggerates things in our mind, so be realistic.

(2) Stop Blaming.  Failure can be a great teacher if we have the courage and humility to accept our mistakes. By blaming others (or our circumstances), we choose to believe things are outside our control. Some things are, but not everything.  By refusing to see ourselves as helpless, we own our ability to do things differently. Taking responsibility is very empowering.

“Failure is an event, not a person.” – Zig Ziglar

(3) Remember that Everyone Fails…But Not Everyone Keeps Trying. When we do fail, we should spend enough time on that failure to learn from it…and then move on. Wallowing in guilt or regret can’t change the past, and it won’t make a better future. Give yourself grace for your shortcomings—we all have them! Plenty of underdog stories prove that the road to success is often paved by failure, including these few…

  • Henry Ford’s early businesses failed and left him broke five time before he founded Ford Motor Company.
  • Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard and failed in his first business.
  • Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor because, “he lacked imagination and had no good ideas.” After that, Disney started a number of businesses that ended in bankruptcy and failure.
  • Thomas Edison was told by his early childhood teachers that he was “too stupid to learn anything.” And as an inventor, Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb.
  • Abraham Lincoln started several failed businesses and was defeated in numerous runs for public office.
  • Steven Spielberg was rejected from the University of Southern California School of Theater, Film and Television three times.
  • Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team.

With a healthy dose of perseverance and confidence, failure is not terminal. It can actually be a springboard to growth and success if you choose to see it that way.

Be well,
Cherie_signature
DPP_0015bCherie Miller, MS is owner of Dare 2 Hope Coaching and a virtual Health and Wellness Life Coach who helps clients all over the country improve their lives. Her specialty is helping people get free from their food, weight, and self-confidence struggles. Contact her here.

How to Successfully Navigate a Career Setback

Dare 2 Hope - Sucessful Career Setbacks

We all know that life doesn’t always go the way we want, and sometimes we have to change courses unexpectedly. Maybe the career change didn’t work out so well or the new boss is horrible or the higher-ups are moving your department to Alaska. Whatever it is, change is hard. But how hard depends a whole lot more on the way we handle it than the situation itself. Here are some tips to help make the best out of difficult change.

#1. Throw a pity party.
That’s right…feel sorry for yourself. Pretending you don’t feel sad or bitter won’t make those feelings go away. They’ll just stay unresolved and will weigh you down like soggy clothes. The key is that you can’t give yourself permission to hang on to those feelings either. So set a time limit. “I will feel sorry for myself for _____ days and then I will move on.” Acknowledge those feelings as acceptable given what you experienced, process them properly, and then put them away because those feelings don’t ultimately serve you—they are not stepping stones to success.

#2. Gather some cheerleaders.
Big change—especially change involving risk—demands a good support system. We all need people who will encourage us when things get tough, who will believe in us when we don’t believe in ourselves, and will tell us not to quit. People who will say things like what a dear friend texted me when I had some setbacks in the middle of a significant life change:

Now is the time to set a vision for yourself and do everything in your power to get there. You’re already well on your way, which means the hardest parts are behind you, but don’t give up because you’re gonna land on your feet.

Don’t kid yourself…you can’t do it alone.

#3. Find a mentor.
I repeat…you can’t do it alone. Not only is it important to have people in your corner cheering you on, it’s also important to have someone coaching you. Even professional athletes still have coaches, so don’t think you’re above it. Learn from someone else’s mistakes instead of making your own. Duplicate their successes. Find someone who is (1) knowledgeable about your new endeavors and (2) knowledgeable about you. Because you need practical advice, but you also need personal insight. But don’t waste your time—and certainly don’t waste theirs—if you are not going to listen to them. Of course, you don’t have to accept or follow everything they say, but you do need to be willing to discern it all with humility and openness.

#4. Be optimistic, but set realistic expectations.
On some level, you have to believe that you can succeed or you won’t. Yes, most of us will have some doubt (which is why a good support system is important), but we don’t commit whole-heartedly—if we even make an attempt all!—to endeavors we believe are doomed to fail. Now, I’ve worn my “Proud Pessimist” badge most of life, but if I’m honest, I have to admit that it’s never exactly been a springboard to happiness or healing. Whether it comes naturally or not, work on fostering some optimism to help buoy you when things get tough.

And expect that things will get tough. Don’t be the other extreme either—a Positive Polly who’s unprepared for the setbacks and challenges sure to come. We set ourselves up for unnecessary frustration and disappointment if we think that things should always go smoothly.

#5. Develop a plan.
You need to map out where you’re going and how you’re going to get there. A word of caution, though—you may feel overwhelmed as you start unfolding things. There’s no doubt a lot to do and success feels a long way off. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you don’t have to do it all at once. Prioritize things based on what really has to happen first and then start with small steps. This will keep things manageable and build confidence as you gather momentum.

“Sweet  are the uses of adversity which, like the toad, ugly and venomous, wears yet a  precious jewel in his head.” ~ William Shakespeare

#6. Get tough.
As I’ve mentioned a few times, there will be more challenges ahead, so decide now that the inner critic is to be ignored when he or she starts up. Commit that you won’t give up easily and that you are stronger than that—maybe even make a contract with yourself. Post a no-whining policy on your computer. Do whatever you have to, but start building resiliency in yourself now.

Be well,
Cherie_signature

Cherie Miller, MS is owner of Dare 2 Hope Coaching and a virtual Health and Wellness Life Coach who helps clients all over the country improve their lives. Her specialty is helping people get free from their food, weight, and self-confidence struggles. Contact her here.

4 Tips for Dealing with Overwhelming Anxiety

Dealing with Anxiety

If you struggle with anxiety, you’re certainly not alone. Anxiety disorders are the most common mental health issue in our country, affecting an estimated 40 million adults in the U.S. (source: National Institute of Mental Health). Given that the NIMH also says that average onset is age 11, you might have struggled with anxiety for a long time. Maybe you have even started to believe that being a “worry wart” is just the way you are. While there’s some truth to that, there are lots of strategies for managing anxiety so that it doesn’t take a toll on your emotional and physical well-being (because yes, anxiety has a significant impact on your body!). Whether it’s generalized anxiety, panic attacks, OCD, or some other form of anxiety, here are 4 tips to help manage those emotions.

#1. Do some breathing exercises. Our bodies and minds (i.e., emotions) are highly interrelated and we can use that to our advantage. I’m not getting all new-agey on you; there is real science behind why deep breathing works. A quick explanation is that anxiety puts your body in fight-or-flight mode (remember that fun little phrase from high school biology?), and flooding your brain with oxygen basically tells it that everything is fine so that your sympathetic nervous system can calm back down.

#2. Stop the stinkin’ thinkin’. Though not always, our emotions are often triggered by our thoughts. Do you convince yourself that something is a catastrophe when it really isn’t? Do you worry about all the possible outcomes of a situation—usually all the negative ways something could turn out? Do you assume people are judging you unfavorably? Do you tell yourself you just won’t be able to handle if ____ (fill in the blank)? All of these are examples of what we call cognitive distortions because they are irrational thoughts that inevitably lead to anxiety and depression. Practicing more positive, realistic thinking can lead to healthier, more positive emotions.

#3. Get distracted. Ruminating—thinking obsessively about something—is rarely productive. It’s not the same as problem-solving and just ends up wasting a lot of time and energy. One of the best ways to break out of that circling-the-drain trap is to simply do something else, preferably something you enjoy! Get outside to soak up nature for a bit or call a friend. Do something kind for someone else. Engage in your favorite hobby. Wrap up in a soft blanket and sip your favorite drink. Whatever is going to soothe your spirit and refocus your mind in that moment, try that.

#4. If all else fails, try just accepting it. Accepting the anxiety sounds counter-intuitive doesn’t it? But in certain circumstances, accepting rather than fighting something is a better route because the process of fighting can sometimes give that thing more power and control over you. It’s like being in quicksand… the more you struggle against it, the faster and deeper you sink. Anxiety is usually about self-protection, so acknowledge that and thank your anxiety for what it’s trying to do to help. Try saying something like this to yourself: “I actually have the skills I need to handle whatever might happen so I don’t need to focus on the anxiety so much anymore. It’s still there and that’s fine, but I’m moving on to thinking about and doing other things.” And then do!

There are other tips I can give about dealing with anxiety and I could even expand on some of these, but this is probably enough for today. If you have questions, though, please don’t hesitate to contact me!

Be well,
Cherie_signature

Cherie Miller, MS is owner of Dare 2 Hope Coaching and a virtual Health and Wellness Life Coach who helps clients all over the country improve their lives. Her specialty is helping people get free from their food, weight, and self-confidence struggles. Contact her here.

3 Reasons Not to Deal With Your Issues

Dare 2 Hope - Living in Denial.png

Like me, I’m sure you’ve known people who have blatant issues, yet are completely unwilling to work on them. Sometimes, it’s just annoying to be forced to put up with someone’s “stuff” when they won’t deal with it. A few co-workers I’ve had the (dis)pleasure of knowing come to mind! In more serious circumstances, it might be someone we’re close to and really care about. Maybe it’s an alcoholic spouse or a controlling mother. In such cases, not only can it be painful to watch that person perpetuate their own misery, it is also more likely to impact us negatively, sometimes making us miserable, too. How close we are emotionally or how much influence that person has on our lives is directly related to how hard it is keep their issues from spilling over onto us.

But let’s get a bit more personal for a minute. Do you have issues that you don’t want to address? Perhaps you have a temper or a habit of overeating. Maybe your perfectionism makes you impossible to please. Or your insecurities sabotage your success in love and work. Whatever it is, why do you refuse to change, despite how it negatively effects you? Simply because, in many ways, it actually makes sense not to deal with our issues. Let me explain why this is true.

  • Healing is hard. Just like drug withdrawals are a necessary part of getting clean, healing usually involves a painful period where we are working through all that goes along with the issue. That can mean processing traumatic memories, learning to sit in uncomfortable emotions, having to own our mistakes and the consequences of those mistakes, and so on. The good news is that like drug withdrawals, it does get easier, but the only way through it is, well, just that—through it.
  • Growth requires sacrifice. Whether we recognize it consciously or not, our issues serve us somehow. Maybe your anger lets you feel powerful and helps you control others, or maybe food helps you cope with stress and loneliness. Dealing with things means we have to give up some attitudes or behaviors that in some ways do benefit us. The catch is that they hurt us in other ways (e.g., anger damages relationships and overeating leads to weight gain). Realize that you can get what you need in ways that are more constructive.
  • Change is scary. Anytime we are venturing into unknown territory, there is some fear. Oddly enough, we can be pretty comfortable in our discomfort because it’s familiar, and familiarity is a powerful force.

Honestly, I wish I could have written an article called, “3 Quick and Easy Ways to Deal with Your Issues,” instead of this one, but that wouldn’t have been realistic. I see it in the amazing clients I work with every day that growth is not quick or easy. I also know that personally because I worked hard to recover from an eating disorder, and healing was anything but either of those. It cost me deeply, and it was a choice I had to make every day for a long time… still do some days. But it was and always will be worth it.

So I leave you with this: Would it be worth it for you?

Be well,
Cherie_signature
DPP_0015bCherie Miller, MA is owner of Dare 2 Hope Coaching and a virtual Health and Wellness Life Coach who helps clients all over the country improve their lives. Her specialty is helping people get free from their food, weight, and self-confidence struggles. Contact her here.

How You Can (Finally!) Disengage from a Toxic Parent

Dare 2 Hope - Relationship Levels

Many people know all to well what it’s like to grow up under a toxic parent (or parents). Whether it’s a mom or dad who’s narcissistic, alcoholic, neglectful, abusive, or has any number of other issues that render them incapable of providing the love and support every child deserves, children in these families struggle to make sense of it all as they get older… and to heal wounds that can be hard to even put words to. Sometimes, that parent continues to be a negative force even after growing up and leaving home. Does this sound familiar to you? If so, keep reading because this can make huge difference in your life.

One of the biggest challenges I see in my work as a therapist and life coach is the ability to disengage from a toxic parent. There is much that could be written on the topic, and I certainly can’t cover it all in one blog post, but I will talk about what I think is the first step: realistically assessing the relationship and assigning it an appropriate level. Here’s what I mean by that… All of the various relationships in our lives exist and operate at different levels. As illustrated in the picture above, think of them as circles.

  • The innermost circle includes your most intimate relationships. This probably includes your significant other if you have one, and perhaps a best friend. These people know the good, bad, and ugly about you. You could call them at 2am if you needed something. Their opinions about you and your life matter deeply and therefore, they have significant ability to influence you.
  • The next level is our more casual friends. This group knows us fairly well and we see them regularly, but they aren’t necessarily involved in all the nitty-gritty of our lives. Maybe this includes select people from work or church, or another mom on the soccer team. These people’s opinions of you matter, but not to the extent of your inner circle.
  • The next level includes acquaintances. These are people you say hi to and talk about the weather with. They include the remaining people at work, church, or other groups you’re in. You make friendly conversation but do not open up much about anything meaningful. You probably want these people to think well of you, but you’re not going to be controlled by their opinions. And since they have a limited view into your life, there is less opportunity for them to speak into it anyway.
  • The final, outermost level is made up of strangers. These are people you encounter out and about, but you don’t know them at all. Examples are customer service employees and other people standing in the post office line.

Now, all of that probably makes sense. But which level is your toxic parent on? As children, our parents are almost always in the inner circle. It happens by default because when we’re young, our family is our little nucleus, so to speak. The problem is that as we get older and have the ability to decide who goes in which circle, we oftentimes put or leave people in that inner circle who have no business being there, and that is especially true when it comes to parents. But as adults, that inner level is a position that should be earned because our vulnerability and access to our lives is a privilege, not a right, for other people. This includes family, even if they want to be in the inner level and believe they deserve to be.

“But as adults, that inner level is a position that should be earned because our vulnerability and access to our lives is a privilege, not a right, for other people.”

Do you need to start moving your parent into the second or third level circle (or in the most extreme cases, the last level)? That can be really hard, because most of us wish our parents could be in that inner circle. But if they shouldn’t be there and we don’t accept and adjust to that truth, we will continually feel hurt, angry, disappointed, or controlled by them. If you can move them to the appropriate level, you’re freer to enjoy what is possible in the relationship, even if it’s not as deep or supportive as you—or they—would like.

If you want to know more about this subject, I recommend Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend and Toxic Parents by Forward and Buck. Or you can contact me about virtual life coaching!

Be well,
Cherie_signature